Following on from the post about being seen, being heard – or rather NOT being seen, heard and understood – once loved ones have identified the problem (with you) then they can then find solutions to sort the problem out
‘New’ or ‘different’ behaviours that people close notice, often arise from incongruence between what is and what could/should be forsomeone.
Being heard – really heard – is the message you send “This is me/the new me/the real me” but what is heard is “This isn’t working but why not?” And then they start to doubt themselves , being seen is the visual recognition of who you really are – inside, the core you, your values, experiences, belief systems, needs – your expectations!
Conguence is being true to yourself – what you feel is what you say is what you do because you feel it, believe it – live it!
The ‘incongrurence’ isn’t about the changes – it’s more about who you now recognise or realise you have become, and want to live that being – your self – and yet restraints and restrictions we develop through life can hold us back from being that self! And we become ‘ingongruent’ with our real (new or original but unrecognised) self and our surroundings.
Symptoms might be arguing, passionate outbursts, refusals to act in a certain way or how people believe we ought to behave – used to behave perhaps; maybe we are retaliating against barriers or obstacles that prevent us being us!
I know I have experienced this myself from the inside!
So to fix the problem (‘you’, remember) they will arrange a GP visit, then may be counselling, medication, a holiday, sick leave, a break away from each other.
A GP will likely suggest medication because that’s what they do, it’s their job; but this doesn’t ‘fix’ the problem (because the person isn’t the problem although their attitude might be!)
Counselling doesn’t fix people either – nor change the situation, behaviour or relationship (nor is coaching about telling someone how to live their life as some people believe) – but the talking, reflecting, thinking, and insights do help the person (client) to understand the reasons they feel as they do, and therefore what they can do about it i.e make changes, accept themselves and their attitude becuase they have valid reasons for feeling that way!
And then it follows that their behaviour will settle down, appear more rational (it was always reason-able!) and they can explain why because they understand why, and they can ask for what they need because they now know what it is they need!
They are their true self, with real needs that they need to meet, and new and changing hopes, expectations and desires as their knowledge has grown (life, living, people, experiences).
And mostly, they recognise their ongoing growth and personal development through life experience has brought them here, and opened up new ideas, new options and opportunities – once you learn something you never can unlearn it – so you need to assimilate it into your new self, this new person. And those around you do too, but if they haven’t grown and changed, this will be especially hard for them!
Communication is important – clear messages you send and the right message received too! Self-awareness and acceptance need to be developed by everyone concerned, and co-operation and understanding by and for each other if the relationship(s) are to survive! The relationship needs to keep changing, it’s dynamic, it’s ongoing and developmental just like the people involved in it – and then everyone benefits in the end.
Just sometimes, it doesn’t mean it can be ‘fixed’ and made right again. Sometimes, it’s just run it’s course and people need to move on – one or both, but in the end both will move on -together or apart …